By Wendy Samuelson

In the month of February, everywhere you look are signs of Valentine’s Day: red hearts everywhere, restaurants advertising their special dinners, drug stores filled with heart shaped boxes of chocolate.  If you’re going through a divorce, it’s enough to make you scream in horror or wallow in loneliness.   But, there is hope for moving on.

I often tell my colleagues that “I am a divorce attorney by day and matchmaker by night.”  By this I mean, matchmaking not just in the regular “love connection” sense, but also helping others form new friendships and professional connections.  I am very proud of my clients who have weathered the divorce storm and have moved on to more productive and satisfying  friendships and love lives.   I’d like to share with you three heart-warming stories.

I have two women clients who have so much in common they just had to meet.  They look very similar (and in my eyes, are beautiful -inside and out),  are of similar ages and religious backgrounds, have very young children, and both went to my law school alma mater, Cornell.  So, I introduced them by e-mail, and they connected.  I also invited them to attend a Cornell alumni event with me.  We went to an Islanders’ game and met one of the players who is a Cornell alumnus.  It was so much fun, enjoying my clients’ company, having blue cotton candy,  talking and (marginally) watching the game.   My two clients hit it off, and are now good friends, supporting each other in their post-divorce life.  A photo of our fun time is below.

Another client is a 65 year old woman who was married for 44 years.  Her divorce was indeed a shock, filled with repeated bouts of depression and anxiety.  What was worse, her husband was already living with his girlfriend even before the divorce was final.

Despite her circumstances, this client is one of my favorite people because she is so full of life, interesting, generous, and fun.  I barely notice our age difference, and enjoy hanging out with her.  This winter, she was in a chorale concert, and invited me and my husband to the concert and fabulous after party at her home.   She introduced me to all of her close friends, who already knew me as “the divorce attorney I heard so many wonderful things about.”

Now, one piece of advice I gave her is to “Have an open heart and be open to meeting new people, and don’t think that every man will treat you the way your ex did.  Just look for the golden heart.”   Despite her resistance to moving on, indeed she did.  And, at that party, I was introduced to her “new friend,” a lovely, kind and generous man who happens to be her neighbor.   I can’t be happier for her.

Finally, speaking of neighbors, a male neighbor of mine had moved out of my building over a year ago, but we bumped into one another on the street recently, and caught up with each other.   I asked him if he was dating anyone, and what was happening in his love life.   He mentioned to me that three months ago, he met a woman at a restaurant in Roscoe, New York  (where is that, exactly?) who mentioned that she lived in my building.  He could not stop thinking about her.  He never got her last name or business card.  I just had to help him.  So, I sent an e-mail blast to everyone in my building, looking for this woman, describing how they met at a restaurant in Roscoe, NY on the by-line “playing cupid.”  I got lots of e-mails from people in the building saying how cute this all was, but no response from my mystery woman.

A month went by, and still nothing.   And then, one day, there it was in my inbox.   The mystery woman revealed herself, and that she hoped she was not being too presumptuous by responding.  So, now these two are connected, and I am so happy to be the catalyst.

To all of my clients, think of February as the month of hope in creating more meaningful, sucessful and happier connections with others, whether friendship or more.   Make sure you treat yourself well, including having a coffee gelato, with hot fudge, spinkles and a chocolate covered strawberry on top.  Wait, that is my dessert fantasy, you choose yours…

From right to left: Wendy, Wendy’s two clients and a friend at the Islander game

This month’s blog post will help you minimize your stress by focusing on thriving, not just surviving, during the holidays with tips from relationship guru, Patricia Ryan Lampl, an award-winning television producer and co-author of LOVE FOR GROWN-UPS: The Garter Brides’ Guide To Marrying For Life When You’ve Already Got a Life, published by Harlequin Non-Fiction.

Tips for Keeping Your Spirits Bright During the Holidays

If you’re going through a divorce or recently divorced, the holidays always present a dizzying array of demands on your time, wallet and emotions. Here are some tips to create a stress-free and rewarding holiday.

• Yes, go to the parties! And try to go alone. You’re much more approachable by yourself than as part of a group of girlfriends.

• At office holiday parties make friends with your colleagues’ wives –happily married people want to see other people married. They could become a source of new people to meet.

• Avoid friends who are ‘downers’ – the last thing you need is to be around anyone who is depressed or angry. Remember, happiness is contagious. Stick with your upbeat pals.

• Help someone else feel good. Volunteer in a soup kitchen or a hospital. Engage in the true spirit of the season. It’ll make you feel good, AND, you never know who you’ll meet

• Buy yourself a frivolous gift.

• Make a memory. Treat yourself to a new experience. Have you always wanted to see the Rockettes? Now’s the time to go. Get a couple of friends together and have dinner afterwards.

• Be a kid again – go ice skating or sledding. And, yes, have hot chocolate – with marshmallows!

• Take a ride to somewhere beautiful and have lunch at an inn. Surround yourself with the beauty and peacefulness of nature.

• Take care of yourself inside and out. Go to a yoga class, take a swim, get a massage.

The new year is the perfect jumping off point for settings goals – and making the year ahead one of new experiences and adventures. Happy Holidays from THE GARTER BRIDES!

Patricia Ryan Lampl is a magazine columnist, author and award-winning television producer. She is co-author of LOVE FOR GROWN-UPS: The Garter Brides’ Guide To Marrying For Life When You’ve Already Got a Life published by Harlequin Non-Fiction. She has also written for EHarmony and The Knot.  She is also the author of four children’s books. To learn more about the sisterhood of The Garter Brides, visit them on Facebook at Facebook.com/thegarterbrides or at thegarterbrides.com.

How to Tell Your Children You’re Divorcing: Making the Best of an Uncomfortable Situation

Often my clients ask me in the beginning of their divorce case, “How do I tell my children we’re divorcing?”  “What’s the best approach?”  Well, this blog posting will give you some good advice with the help of Carolyn Singer, LMSW, a social worker therapist in private practice in Syosset, New York, focusing on adult (individuals and couples), family and adolescent therapy. Ms. Singer is an adjunct professor at Adelphi University School of Social Work, teaching graduate students how to practice with families and couples; children and adolescents. She often works with couples going through divorce, and helping them achieve a united front when dealing with their children, as well as individuals at various stages of separation and divorce, helping them adapt to the stresses and changes throughout that process.

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How to Tell Your Children You’re Divorcing: Making the Best of an Uncomfortable Situation

Once the decision to end a marriage has been made, both parents should focus on their children, and how to help them adapt to the profound change that will be forced upon them. “Forced” is the key word here. This change in the family structure affects them most deeply and profoundly, yet they have absolutely no say in the matter. “It’s not fair!” will be commonly and frequently heard. And for the children, it’s not. It’s an incredibly frustrating, and grave injustice, and they have absolutely no say in this. Since there is no way for it to be made fair, the adults must now do all that they can to hold the children’s emotional needs as a priority, and have a shared sense of purpose.

How can a divorcing couple work peacefully and collaboratively when they hold such negative feelings towards the other? How do you act cooperatively with someone when you feel anger, sadness, resentment, mistrust, etc. towards them? You must separate your personal feelings for your spouse as an individual, from the fact that they are your child’s parent. Ultimately, and from the beginning, it is best for a child to have both parents peacefully in their lives– loving them, supporting them, and involved with them. That is best accomplished by both parents treating each other with respect when they are in each other’s presence, and when speaking about the other to the children when they are not. Seeing a therapist during this time of transition can help both parents to learn not to contaminate their children with their negative feelings towards the other parent.

From the first day that the parents inform their children of the separation, the parents must provide a sense that that they, the parents, are in control of the situation, and have a united front. This can best be accomplished by first meeting with a therapist in preparation of telling the children, and to agree on how and when to tell the children about the impending divorce, and to come up with an initial schedule for sharing the responsibilities of child-rearing and visitation. Knowing that most or all of their (initial) questions will be answered immediately (perhaps even before they are asked), will give the children a significant sense of comfort and security at a most unsettling time.

Inform the children of what was worked out regarding a schedule of time with both parents, and any change in living arrangements. Next, you should describe what will be the same (i.e. school, friends, teams, after school activities, visiting grandparents, etc.) and what will be different (Dad won’t sleep in the house, holidays will be alternated, meals won’t be with everyone at the table, etc.) The most basic emotional reassurances should also be part of this conversation; that is, although mom and dad feel differently towards each other and feel they cannot live together anymore, parents never stop loving their children. Mom and dad are separating from each other, not from their children. Your love for your children can never be changed.

Do not intellectualize your explanations of why you are divorcing to your children as a result of your discomfort at your child’s reaction. It is common and understandable to want to continue to offer explanations in response to your child’s lament of “It’s not fair!” or “Why? Why?!’ However, the most basic reassurances of enduring parental love, and reminders as to what remains the same and what changes, are enough. Repeatedly responding with an empathetic “I know, I understand” to your child’s laments can seem inadequate, but validating their feelings of confusion and anger is the best you can do for them.

Remember, it can seem impossible at times to always hold your negative emotions towards your estranged spouse in check. You may not respect them, but you must, for the children’s sake, treat them with respect, simply for the fact that they are your child’s parent. A good mantra to remind yourself of is…”don’t look at your children and see your spouse, look at your spouse, and see your children.”

Recommended reading for you and your children include:
Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M.G. Newman Mom’s House, Dad’s House for Kids by I. Ricci, Ph.D.

Carolyn Singer L.M.S.W
Psychological F.A.C.T.S.
Family, Adult, Child Therapy Services (F.A.C.T.S)
485 Underhill Blvd. ste. 107
Syosset, N.Y. 11791
516-359-9966

When someone enters your life and changes it for the better, you want everyone to know this person.  Kelley Black, Founder of Balancing the Executive Life™, a Naam Yoga Therapist, and Executive/Life coach, did just that. She has helped me to create a sense of inner balance and reduce my stress in a high-stress career as a matrimonial lawyer. Not only has my chronic physical pains from TMJ, shoulder and neck pain, and headaches been almost entirely eradicated, but I am also a more efficient and effective lawyer and a better managing partner because of her methodology. My clients have even remarked that I am able to “cut right through it” and get their cases resolved quickly and efficiently, and most importantly, with compassion.

Through simple and easy meditation and breathing exercises, Kelley gives you the tools to change the inner workings of your mind to think more positively and compassionately, and reduce anxiety and stress.  Since divorce is one of life’s most stressful events, I want to share with you Kelley’s wisdom of thriving, not merely surviving, during and after divorce.

EMBRACING THE GRAY ZONE:
THRIVING, NOT MERELY SURVIVING, DURING AND AFTER A DIVORCE
Scuba divers in the cold and murky waters of New England occasionally confront what they call the “gray zone.” Imagine you are in full scuba gear and jump from a dive boat off the Cape Cod Coast. You plan to descend to the ocean floor, 65 feet below. At about 30 feet, you notice that, when you look up toward the surface of the water you see nothing – except for the boats anchor line disappearing into the grayness. When you look down, you see nothing again, except for the anchor line disappearing into the grayness below. All around you, you see nothing but gray. Welcome to the gray zone.
Divorce is often a lot like the gray zone. You find your life turned upside down and you step into the unknown filled with risk, uncertainty and ambiguity. By raising the bar on your personal leadership and self-management skills you will be better able to tolerate and eventually thrive on the uncertainty.  In fact, just as divers do, you will begin to see and experience the beautiful world of the depths of the sea.
Imagine what could be possible by experiencing divorce with less anger, stress, guilt and self-abuse. Stress causes poor breathing, which increases susceptibility to a breakdown of bodily systems, illness, and more.. With simple breathing exercises and the science of sacred sound (mantra or NAAM), you can reset and balance the autonomous nervous system so that the rest/relaxation (parasympathetic) response becomes stronger. Finally, by understanding and harnessing the power in your hands through the application of mudras, you can access, stimulate and heal every part of the body and brain.

My methodology integrates best practices from Executive/Life Coaching and Naam Yoga Therapies to help you gain clarity, forgive past wrongs, make amends, learn from any perceived failures, and bounce back even when things don’t always work out the way you wanted them to.

Executives that I work with are using Naam Yoga self-management techniques to be better leaders and to achieve peak performance without burning out at companies as diverse as VNSNY, Microsoft, Booz Allen Hamilton, WICT, NBCU, and many small emerging companies. By controlling your breathing through simple and easy meditative exercises that take no more than 15 minutes, you will find that you can embrace the “gray zone,” reduce stress and gracefully move into your next life’s chapter.

The “hard” part is actually sitting down and doing these exercises on a regular basis.  In our busy world, we often do not allow ourselves to disconnect from the screens (whether TV, Blackberry, i-pad, computer, and the like), the “to do” lists, and the constant frenzy of our work and home life.  For a person who begins a meditative practice, it is often very hard to sit for even five minutes.  But, for those of you who embrace that challenge, you will reap the benefits of a calm and focused mind.

Below are my top three meditative exercises for a person going through a divorce:

EXERCISE 1: STRESS REDUCTION BREATHING

Using this hand symbol – Tatwa Mudra - will maximize the benefits of the breathing exercises.

Are you are feeling anxious, reactive and unfocused? If you answer “yes,” do the following exercise to regain equilibrium. It is effective in as little as three repetitions.

When you breathe in, count to four slowly, and breathe in 2 counts through your stomach and 2 counts up through your chest.  When you breathe out, also count to four slowly, and again focus on moving the breath through your chest and then your stomach.  Sit comfortably on a chair or sit Indian style on the floor for this and the other exercises.    Place your fingertips together as shown in the photo below.
Inhale through your nose in 4 counts /exhale through your nose in 4 counts
Inhale through mouth in 4 counts /exhale through mouth in 4 counts
Inhale through nose in 4 counts /exhale through mouth in 4 counts
Inhale through mouth in 4 counts /exhale through nose in 4 counts

Repeat this cycle of inhale/exhale.  I challenge my clients to do this pattern for three minutes, by setting an egg timer.  Once they have mastered three minutes after two weeks or so, I then challenge them to do this exercise for five minutes.

EXERCISE 2: ANGER REDUCTION BREATHING
Negative emotions such as anger and fear are detrimental to our well-being including our physical/mental health. Anger compromises the immune system and often causes us to say and do things we may regret later.

When you feel anger rising — cool yourself down with a yoga breathing method called Sitali pranayama. Simply inhale through your mouth (and if you can, with a curled tongue) as slowly as you can, then exhale through your nose (tucking your tongue back into your mouth) as slowly as you can. You will feel benefits after three repetitions. Do this for up to 5 minutes, or until you feel cooled down. Sitali, which literally means to “cool” works like an air conditioner on an overheated system — reducing anger, reducing toxic heat in the body, boosting the immune system and facilitating receptivity and enhancing communication — all by taking a person out of defense mode. When done correctly, this breathing exercise can help transmute anger into its antithesis — creativity.

EXERCISE 3: HARMONIZE YOUR SPEECH
Doing the Light Poem causes you to feel compassion for yourself and your ex-spouse, and reduce anger and hostility, while helping you to slow the breath down. You should read this prayer as slowly as possible.  First say the prayer using “me,” then say it again using the name of your ex-spouse.  When you change the way you feel about your ex by saying this prayer, you will find that your ex will respond by changing his/her negative feelings about you.

Light before me
Light behind me
Light at my left
Light at my right
Light above me
Light beneath me
Light unto me,

Light in the eyes of those who see me
Light in the ears of those who listen to me
Light in the hearts of those who think of me
Light in the hearts of those who speak of me

Light restore me to health
Light be always in my heart
Light be within me
Light establish me forever
Light be around me and preserve me
Light be before me and lead me
Light be within me and give me life
Light be near me and rule me
Light be beneath me and fortify me

I love the Light in those whom I may have offended, knowingly or unknowingly,
May the light be with them
So be it
So it is
It is done

READ INSPIRING STORIES OF PEOPLE OVERCOMING CHALLENGES, INCLUDING DIVORCE

Do you want to carry the wisdom and inspiration of 20 strong and insightful people with you each and every day? If the answer is yes, consider purchasing a copy of Women on Fire: 20 Inspiring Women Share Their Life Secrets (and Save You Years of Struggle!). Each woman, including me, shares the details of a seemingly insurmountable obstacle and describes how she summoned the strength to overcome it and emerge stronger, healthier, happier, and more deeply fulfilled. The most important part of their message is that you can do the same!
Reading these inspiring stories, you will discover how you, too, can turn life’s greatest challenges into your greatest opportunity.
To purchase, visit my website at www.balancingexec.com http://www.balancingexec.com,  and click on “Store”.

Kelley Black is the Founder of Balancing the Executive LifeTM, a Naam Yoga Therapist, Executive and Life Coach. She integrates universal principles with proven business practices to raise the bar on personal effectiveness and eliminate stress, and help people thrive, not merely survive.

For more information and to schedule a complimentary consultation, contact:

Kelley Black
Balancing the Executive Life^TM
Naam Coachingâ/Consulting
cell: 917-586-5554
visit: www.balancingexec.com

Often clients complain to me that co-parenting with a soon to be ex-spouse is challenging, and bring up many issues that the two parents do not agree on. I tell my clients that it is very important that the two parents learn to get along better for the sake of their children and their own future. I often suggest that the two parents go to “pre-divorce counseling,” to learn how to co-parent in a more amicable and effective way. This is not marriage counseling. Rather, this is counseling to learn new skills such as how to tell your children in a united front that you are going to divorce, and/or learning how to co-parent when living in separate households, including having similar sets of rules and expectations of the children.

One such pre-divorce counselor, is Lani McElgun, a licensed marriage & family therapist and anger management specialist-II, who was kind enough to share her advice on children of divorce with our readers.

Children of Divorce

During a divorce and its aftermath, parenting children with an ex-spouse may be challenging, but here are five helpful tips to ensure a smoother transition.

Through our experience as marriage and family therapists over the years, we have seen children adjust quite well in separate households, however, there is one exception. Oftentimes, the children who do not fare well in a divorce situation are the ones in which the parents continue their cold war with unpleasant and angry power struggles over the children. Here, children most often are seen acting out in negative behaviors, their grades may begin to decline and they appear angry, sad and depressed. There are a few basic rules which parents can learn to abide by to decrease the effect of separation:
1. Don’t use the children as messengers between parents (whether for verbal messages or for paying support) Find a way to negotiate and discuss issues between the two of you. If the child complains to you about the other, encourage them to work it out with the parent directly.

2. Don’t badmouth the other parent to the children. This is hurtful and not productive. If you need to vent, find a supportive friend, relative, or therapist. Remember the relationship failed, not one parent alone.

3. Keep your promises to your children; when you are scheduled to pick them up or take them out, keep to those schedules the best you can. Maintain a regular schedule.

4. Follow the guidelines of your agreement; sharing important information about your child is beneficial to their well-being (health, education, friendships, behavior).

5. Take time to heal emotionally; your attitude and your well-being will be absorbed by your children, so get help as needed.
Your children need both their parents and their adjustment will depend largely on your own behavior moving forward. Take responsibility and do the right thing…for them and ultimately, for yourself.
A recommended book is Healthy Divorce by Craig Everett & Sandra Volgy Everett.

D. Lani McElgun, Licensed marriage & family therapist & Anger management specialist-II
Garden City Marriage & Family Therapy
520 Franklin Avenue, Suite 213, Garden City, NY 11530
(516) 428-1167

This new “Coping” section has been added to help our clients cope with the stress of divorce and its aftermath.  We invite our clients and other readers to contribute to this section by sending us ideas of how you coped with your own divorce, whether it was by reading a certain book, joining a new club, learning a new skill, or re-entering the dating world.   We hope to inspire you to a hopeful and happier future, and to be inspired by your success stories.

At times, we will also feature articles from psychologists, financial planners, trust and estate attorneys, and other  professionals who will help you transition and transform your life.    We invite other professionals to send us contributions on helpful ways to cope.

Please feel free to send your contribution to info@SamuelsonHause.net

Our first contribution is from Samuelson Hause & Samuelson partner, Wendy Samuelson. Esq.

Recently, I saw an announcement that Gabriel Cohen was speaking about his book, Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce. The title caught my eye as a way to help my clients who are suffering from divorce. Although I could not attend the workshop, I decided to download his book onto my Kindle to see what it was all about. While I practice meditative yoga (Na’am yoga) I never really learned about Buddhism and its non-religious aspects of peaceful and compassionate thinking. Mr. Cohen’s book was terrific on so many levels. It helps a person going through divorce understand that they are not the only one who feels distraught, depressed, and angry. It helps people realize that there is a better way to cope with their anger by simply learning a new way of thinking about things. It is also an engrossing and witty book about the first steps to learning about a non-religious approach to Buddhism, which you can apply to all aspects of your life.

Since I really enjoyed reading the book, I though I would reach out to the author by e-mail and see if he would be willing to meet with me to discuss his book further. He not only met with me, but graciously provided me with a copy of his book! The book is now in the waiting room of our office for our clients to peruse.

If you decide to read Mr. Cohen’s book, I hope you find comfort in it and a peaceful path to healing.

At seven in the evening on June 25, 2005, my wife got up and walked out the door.

She never came back.

It was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

It was also, oddly enough, one of the best.

That calamity sent me scrambling for new meaning in life, and I found it in the last place I would ever have imagined.”

A confirmed skeptic, writer Gabriel Cohen never thought he’d find himself embracing Buddhism. But when his marriage fell apart, he discovered that its insights were surprisingly relevant and useful; they offered him a positive path through anger, resentment, loss, and grief. Now, in the first book to focus on Buddhism and divorce, he provides a practical, down-to-earth guide to surviving the pain of a romantic breakup. A compulsively readable story of crisis and renewal, Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky will appeal to those of any faith who are looking to recover from their own losses.

Sample reviews for Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky:

Sound advice and short chapters fill his narrative of recovery, unadorned by bullet-pointed lists, side-bars or “get-enlightened-quick scheme[s],” which should do much to engage readers and keep them that way. Encouraging and accessible throughout, Cohen’s book will make a useful tool for readers going through a difficult break-up. —PublishersWeekly.com

Anybody who has ever experienced the breakdown of a relationship, let alone a divorce, will find that once started, this book is impossible to put down. A deeply personal and honest account of one man’s journey that becomes universal. This is an inspirational and insightful story.
—Mandala magazine

A generous book… An inner adventure told with humor and disarming candor. An evocative and illuminating memoir-cum-guidebook. Gabriel Cohen has a knack for seamlessly weaving together conceptual material and personal anecdotes.

—Tricycle.com

Sample reader letters:

“I’m writing to tell you that your book hit such a deep note for me that I actually consider it the thing that turned around my process of healing from my recent separation/divorce. It made me think, cry, and laugh, and gave me some much-needed perspective. I’ve read many of the divorce-related books out there, and couldn’t stand yet another hand-wringing tale of woe (and ultimately cheesy triumph) that ultimately left me feeling drained rather than inspired – or worse, a hollow guidebook that basically instructed me to buck up, put on some lip gloss and get on with it. Your story – and the telling of it – is beautiful, and honest, and every bit as helpful as I sense you meant for it to be.”

“I am writing to express my deep  gratitude for your book, “Storms  Can’t Hurt the Sky.” I was skeptical (due to my aversion to “self-help” literature). But it saved me from near-death (well, that’s a bit dramatic), but I had stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped functioning for a week after my partner left me. Reading your very heartfelt, relatable account with the profound strands of buddhism deftly woven in, I managed to absorb both the life experience and spiritual text in a way I usually haven’t been able to when I’ve tried reading other books on ‘self- improvement.’ Most of all, it calmed me and gave me succor in a situation that felt hopeless on all levels.”

If you are interested in finding out more about the author, Gabriel Cohen, and his other published books or to purchase this book, you may do so on the author’s website by clicking here: Gabriel Cohen’s Website